Tuesday, 2 February 2016

To the Husband of the Wife with Alopecia ...




It’s tough right?

Being a husband. 

Having a wife. 

Being married.
 

I get ‘ya Mr Husband man! 

It’s hard work having to be so ‘grown up’ 

Marriage / partnership is not always plain sailing and, as a women myself, I admit that sometimes we can be a little difficult to live with. 

Yes we have mood swings and we can often be found laying down with green gunk on our faces and cucumber slices over our eyes listening to Buddhist temple music through the iPod buy hey! ...  That’s part of our charm right? 

The way we take such pride in the way we look, take care of our bodies with exercise and watch what we eat so we can look and feel as great as possible. 

What you may be surprised to hear is that we do all this for one person and one person only.

We do it FOR US. 

Yes of course we want to look good for you (my little snuggle muffin man) but in all honesty how good we feel about ourselves has a direct impact on how you as our husband / boyfriend / partner actually feel about yourself too. 

When your Wife loses her hair to alopecia trust me when I tell you she’s going through the poop pot of time and space and NOTHING you can do can make all those feelings go away for her. 

It’s hard for you. I know it is. 

No one wants to see the love of their life crumble emotionally this way before their very eyes but believe me when I tell you that you can’t fix this. 

At least not in the way you may think …


Words of advice


Don't Patronise her  - I know you really don’t mean to (you’re only trying to help, comfort and soothe her desperately broken heart and spirit) but please for the love of all that is holy and great in this Universe ever speak the following ‘ words of wisdom’ to her (I’m really hoping you’re sensing my tone here ..)



“It’s only hair sweetheart you should look on the bright side. At least you have your health!” 

If you EVER even so much as mutter these words to your Wife who’s hair is rapidly shedding and falling around her feet as I type this then I can pretty much guarantee you it will not be well received. 

Let me tell you how your Wife will translate this into her own words. It will go a little something like this … 

“ I shouldn’t feel upset about losing my hair when other women out there are going through so much worse (Cancer) and I’m a terrible person for even feeling the teeniest bit sorry for myself. I’m going to hell for sure …” 

Now, I don’t want you to feel bad Mr Husband man but please, don’t say that to your wife. I know you’re only trying to help but the end result of the above statement will only ever be one of total despair as far as your wife is concerned. 
Understand that she feels like she’s losing herself - The best description I’ve ever heard when it comes to a women losing their hair to alopecia is that you feel like you’re slowly but surely losing a massive chunk of your identity and femininity. 


You know that cute little hair flick thing she did every 30 seconds when you went out on that very first date with her all those years ago? 

Remember how you always loved running your hands through her hair when you embraced (she loved that as well by the way ..) 

Consider the thing that most scares you in this whole wide world and then throw in the word “Wig” and times that my a hundred (at least)  - Wigs are still surrounded by so much negative stigma that it’s easy to understand why your wife is freaked out by the mere mention of the “W” word. 


The truth is that in this day and age a wig or “alternative hair” as I personally prefer, doe’s not have to be at all obvious.

Don’t downplay depression  - Depression is NOT as simple as feeling a little down, deflated or defeated. 


Depression is a dangerous little bastard who will stop at nothing when it comes to trying to ruin your day, your life, your relationships and the way you experience joy and happiness.

Depression changes the way you see things in both a rhetorical and actual way. 

When you look at your wife and see a stunning goodness of beautiful with a heart and soul stronger than (insert fave goddess name) herself I can pretty much promise you that this is a thousand miles away from what your wife sees when she looks in the mirror. 

Your wife sees a broken women, unattractive and masculine. 

Never under estimate depression, not for a second. 


Can you add to this list? Let me know in the comments below.